Coming down from the high

A few months ago, we found a house that was perfect. Despite not currently looking for a house, I drove past this one and I was in love. A whirlwind ensued and before we knew it, we were moving into our very own house.

Everything had gone so smoothly. Getting a loan, buying the house, moving in, getting out of our lease.... but as they say, all good things must come to an end.... or what goes up must come down.

For a minute, I thought how lucky we were to be where we were. We had worked hard separately and together to finally get to a place in our adult lives where we could feel as if we were providing for our family and were living a better life. We felt that... for a moment.

I realize that we learn from the setbacks in our lives. I realize that we can only appreciate the good in our lives if we've experienced the bad. I know all of this. But it doesn't discount the years of hard work and struggle that I've gone through.

My entire life I've had people relay their words of wisdom, pearls of knowledge, their faith in "the system"
- God helps those who help themselves
- Work hard and you will be rewarded
- Kharma
- Do what you love and the money will follow
- Cheaters never prosper

WELL.....
- If God helps those who help themselves.... wouldn't we all have success all the time?
- As we know, working hard isn't always rewarded. On more than one occasion I have been passed over for a job or promotion because I was too valuable where I was- I had become the go-to person, jack of all trades and couldn't be lost
- If kharma were true, your ex, your former roommate, that bully.... would all be in a terrible place in life instead of marrying well, making lots of money, and becoming the CEO of a fortune 500
-If everyone did what they love.... we wouldn't have anyone working at fast food places or collecting trash or taxi drivers - then where would we be. Eating at home, creating our own compost heap, and driving ourselves in big cities.
- Cheaters never prosper- must I name all the millionaires we hear about in the news... Enron to just name one

Apparently I shouldn't be counting success as money. My family is healthy.

But it's getting harder to hide my disappointment.

After owning a home for 3 weeks and being one month from Christmas, I was "let go" from one of my jobs. No notice.

I was especially excited about Christmas this year. With my holiday job I was going to have plenty of green to buy gifts for my family. Now I'm not sure we will pay all the bills.

I love Christmas. The smell. The tree. The lights.

This year I will have to imagine a twinkling tree glowing in our living room window. I will close my eyes and see the wrapped gifts waiting for my children to open them and the excitement on their faces when it's exactly what they asked Santa for. I will write and draw a note for Brian, and IOU for when times are better.

I know Christmas isn't about the gifts and the decorations. It's about love and family. My favorite traditions, a real Christmas Tree and christmas pajamas to open on Christmas Eve may not be a reality this year and I'm sure I'll shed a few more tears over it, but I'm really trying to find the positive in this setback. It's really hard. I don't want my children to remember how much they got from dad's house and how mom's house was poor.

I'm trying to remember what's important, but still am feeling cheated by life. There is no reward system in place for life. Doing and being good is no guarantee and doing and being bad is often rewarded in our society. Mentally I'm at a loss. Why be good?

Because it's not in me to be bad.

Merry Christmas to me.